Wednesday, Mar. 29, 2006 - 3:39 pm
The monkey constructs a pentagram made of roadkill on the lawn of a local branch of the Church of Scientology in Waterbury, Connecticut.
heh, i almost got booted from ben's room for downloading tears for fears and justin timberlake. bwah ha ha.
wow, haven't posted on diaryland in almost a year. i think i tried once on livejournal, but i felt like a dirty traitor and my conscience ate away at me until i had to eventually saw my left hand off at the wrist in atonement. not really, but it just wasn't home. *sniffle*
so, what's this new motivation to write again? a dangerous combination of a day off, boredom, the right thought-provoking, introverted music and the key ingredient: a really fucked up dream.
(don't worry, i got the goodies, too--tori amos, regina spektor, a perfect circle, etc.)
this dream last night... shit. it was a doozy, for lack of a better term.
i mean, you've had the kind of dreams that are clearer than your memory of what you ate for lunch yesterday and stick to you like peanut butter for days and weeks afterwards, right? the kind like pin ricks at your normal daily thoughts. this was one of those. it's like a brain leech. i don't even feel safe in the light of day from it. not that it was a nightmare. not overall, at least. maybe part nightmare, part hopes and dreams, part memory, part fear of reality...
ben and i are hanging out in this random, empty mansion in the country; just enjoying being together and not knowing where we are. all of the rooms are beautiful, elaborately, but tastefully decorated, mostly in victorian-age. we poke and explore along, when pete pops out of another room. everything's peachy keen and we're all having a grand time wandering. ben disappears into one of what seemed like a million rooms, and pete and i are left to ourselves, which hasn't happened in a very long time. things are fine for a while. we joke and find a comfortable medium of conversation, so as not to topple over into bitter questions or uncomfortable silences. suddenly pete grows testy and quiet, and out of nowhere yells, "you know what, angie? fuck you!" and proceeds to stalk off into another room. ben hears the yelling and runs upstairs to see what's happening. i'm upset and confused, and making little sense when i try to explain to ben what happened. he gets angry; he doesn't understand why i still give shit, and wants to leave. i refuse and go and look for pete, while ben stands still; pissed off and raising his voice (which is really unusual for him, dream or otherwise). i find pete in the next room (a stark white bedroom, with just that--2 beds, and not much else. the feel of it is cold, drastically different from the rest of the place.) i start to ask pete what the hell just happened, and his face is glowing red, and he turns his back to me. it's at this moment i notice we're not alone in the room. on the bed to my left, eric is sitting there, watching us; completely silent. i suddenly realize without anyone speaking, that eric was the one to suggest to pete he should just cut me off to avoid any further pain or letdowns. but i don't flip out just yet. he gets off the bed and walks toward me. i'm initially stupified in his presence; i can't help it, just like reality. like an emotional blow to the gut. eric hugs me tightly. i know better, but i hug back. pete turns and watches us without a word, then turns and looks at the doorway. ben is standing there, utterly livid. i quickly let go of eric and run towards ben, but he's already out the door and headed to his car. i grab his shoulder and he pushes me away. we yell and scream in each other's faces; oblivious to eric and pete, who've found us outside and are watching everything unfold quietly. ben tries to get in his car, but i won't let him. i finally start sobbing uncontrollably, and the anger breaks. ben holds me while i cry into his chest. he tries to shush and soothe me like a child with a badly skinned knee. he whispers in my ear... he tells me he loves me, he doesn't care about anything else... he wants to marry me. he whips out a ring and asks me. i'm shocked. i start blubbering again and say yes. i'm ecstatic... until something starts to nag me. eyes on me from behind. i look over and expect 2 pairs, but there's just one. eric. my heart drops to my stomach. ben disappears and it's just eric and me, standing outside in the dusk. i'm beyond confused; not at the situation itself, but by my own emotions. i love ben, i want to get married... but i'm standing here with eric. clinging to god only knows what. i feel like i owe some explanation. but i just can't let go.
*SLAM*
back to reality. that's when i woke up, sweating.
i'm sitting in front of ben's computer, in our currently shared bedroom. listening to "deadwood" by garbage. i feel completely mind-fucked. i need to get a goddamn grip.
what i really need is a good backhand to the face.
shake it off, bitch.
buddha cheese.
